Vittoria's guide to being a grown-up

So.

I once read a book that said the three ways you can tell if you're a grown-up are:

1. If you make your bed everyday
2. If you have place settings for eight
3. And I don't remember the third. The book was billed as a chick lit thingy, but then took a major turn and seemed to be about a horrendous date rape for the last bits of it. I was relatively horrified, so I think you should forgive me for forgetting
   

Now, I do make my bed everyday. This is a recent development; I figured if I was going to graduate school and pretending to be an adult person ish, the least I could do was make sure if I ever brought home an adult boy (because I'm still not sure I can attract "men"), it'd be nice if my bed were made. And we have place settings KIND of for 8. Maybe. If you're, you know, forgiving.

And don't mind eating with a small fork.

But I've decided that there are other ways to tell if you are a grown-up. Of course, I do not yet fulfill all of these, but when I do, I will be able to officially say, "I've grown up!" at which point I can only assume I will use my newfound adultiness to become a crotchety old woman who is allowed to regress back to her childhood whenever she wants.

Oh, I dream of this day.

Anyway, here it is, Vittoria's Guide to Being a Grown-Up:

1. Ability to deal with minorly annoying problems (the power has temporarily gone out, the shower door has come off its hinge, your Obama poster won't stick to your deckony door) without calling your mother/father
2. Paying bills on time. You may use an email reminder (grown-ups are busy)
3. Eating three square meals that aren't somehow focused around cereal, ramen and beer
4. Not laughing at (ok, not making. Laughing is OK, even grown-ups have to find the humor in life) fart jokes, penis jokes, boobie jokes
5. Having all your mail at one address, ie, not having some bills go to your parents' house, and some to your apartment, and some to your address in college, and some to the address you signed up at at that Yankee game when you wanted the free gift
6. Owning at least one classical music CDs-worth of music. I don't care if it was downloaded or burned or bought or whatever, but it has to be CD length and all from one source, or around one topic, or whatever. I mean, I have to be able to go get it at the Arlington Public Library
7. Having pictures in your apartment that aren't of you/your friends/your S.O./your siblings getting shittanked. This may include pictures of taking shots, chugging beers, drunken dancing, vomiting on the side of the street, back of the bar, into the toilet or over the deckony. Pictures of people casually holding beers and wine glasses are allowed. Grown-ups drink too.
8. Not starting every admonishing sentence with, "my mom thinks..."
9. Having snacky food all the time to offer friends who drop by, and not eating it in a drunken fit when you get back from wine bars in Dupont
10. Having friends who drop by, and not just cause they were worried they didn't see a light on in your room last night after they dropped you off and they were worried you had just "pulled a Vittoria" and stripped upon entering your house and fell down asleep on the floor in your underwear while Scrubs episodes played in the background. Grown-ups sleep in beds (their own, cute adult boys'), they do not sleep on the carpet. They may watch Scrubs, though a lot of the grown-ups I know seem to prefer House, but the problem with House is all I can think of when I'm watching is that he's the dude who was so rude to Rachel (but in a very funny way) in that Friends episode when she's flying to London to tell Ross she loves him. And that's not something I want in my hero of the show. I prefer Dr. Cox's emotional unavailaility to House's
11. The ability to tell a story without relating every. Single. Fucking. Thing back to yourself. Grown-ups may be self-centered, but they also have a good filter
    

Fun game: which of those apply to you? Which of those do you think apply to me? And don't you think one day it'll be awesome to say, "yay! I've grown up! Now pass me the cereal, a beer, and those Scrubs DVDs. My mother thinks that I watch too much TV but I don't think I do. I think I am awesome. You know what else is awesome? Farting. HAHAHAHA."

Ok maybe not that last part. Now I'm going to go tuck myself back into my made bed and have a snack on one of my 8 place settings and read a chick lit book that hopefully will not end in sadness.

Because grown-ups deserve happiness too.